Life.. who could believe how fast it can change

I haven't written anything for months, not that it really matters because no one is reading this... some might say Sad fuck but do you know what the main reason for me writing this is just to get my thoughts out of my head rather than prove to anyone how many followers I have.
Berti Bassett has been a shit but then nothing is really new there... I am having lessons with a lovely girl called Emma , she is probably young enough to be my daughter (had I ben a child bride of course!!!) but she teaches old school, does not blow smoke up my arse but calls it as she sees it. As a result I am much more confident in handling Bert and things are looking onward and upward. I am also the proud owner of an Ifor Williams 510 hurrah.... which means I can now go to parties with my pony.
Life however is far from perfect, no shock there no one's ever is but ours has taken a definite turn.. my precious most important girl in the world, she that means more to me - my first born my baby has just been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Her life changed for ever in a 5 minute phone call from a doctor whose face I can't remember. All after an appointment with another doctor who was shitty with us because I dared to mention more than one sympton in an emergency appointment that I hadn't been told was an emergency appointment !!! God the irony... we went because of eczma or did I know that there was more to it, the weight loss had been worrying me but she has always been a skinny minny...
Any way here we are 18 days after diagnosis and there is nothing I can do to make it go away for her. Nothing I can do to make it better for her - I love her more than anything but when she crys and screams because life is unfair and asks the question WHY ME, WHY ME all I want to do is join her !!! I want to scream and shout rant and rave I want to holler and yell as well but I have to be the brave one the strong one show her that everything is going to be okay when I don't know... I just don't know. In fact I don't know anything any more.
I used to pray to God but I don't know anymore - I don't know if my faith is strong enough for this and that make me feel sad. I don't feel I have the same security I had when I thought I had someone that was watching over me, protecting me and those I loved from pain and harm. My doubt started when we lost Claire and David, then with Nanny, that was so painful - of all people in this shitty world she should have died happy and peacefully without having to endure that vile suffer enforced on her by that disgusting disease cancer. She gave so much and loved us all before she loved herself - I still miss her , I still think Iwant to pick up the phone and speak to her but she is only in my thoughts and my heart now....Now I have doubts that I never had before and it makes me feel insecure and unsafe.