Ohh my goodness....

I have just read through my last post which was written some time ago... and I realise what a dark place I must have been in.
I am still angry with what has happened, but I am so proud of Lucy and the way she has coped so effortlessly with her diagnosis. She definitely inspires me to get on with it. How can I be a whimp when she is being so brave. She is an inspiration to me, to all of us. Diabetes does not have to change your life, you have to be strict and strong and think about things that most people take for granted but nothing is impossible and in fact can make us stronger and more determined to enjoy life to the maximum.

I do get cross by people's lack of understanding about Diabetes - you don't get it because you eat too many sweets or have a bad diet. There is a lot of press surrounding Type 2 Diabetes that Type 1 is pushed to the back, I am not sure why but that is how it appears in the press.

Any how - my thoughts for the day !!!!

Life.. who could believe how fast it can change

I haven't written anything for months, not that it really matters because no one is reading this... some might say Sad fuck but do you know what the main reason for me writing this is just to get my thoughts out of my head rather than prove to anyone how many followers I have.
Berti Bassett has been a shit but then nothing is really new there... I am having lessons with a lovely girl called Emma , she is probably young enough to be my daughter (had I ben a child bride of course!!!) but she teaches old school, does not blow smoke up my arse but calls it as she sees it. As a result I am much more confident in handling Bert and things are looking onward and upward. I am also the proud owner of an Ifor Williams 510 hurrah.... which means I can now go to parties with my pony.
Life however is far from perfect, no shock there no one's ever is but ours has taken a definite turn.. my precious most important girl in the world, she that means more to me - my first born my baby has just been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Her life changed for ever in a 5 minute phone call from a doctor whose face I can't remember. All after an appointment with another doctor who was shitty with us because I dared to mention more than one sympton in an emergency appointment that I hadn't been told was an emergency appointment !!! God the irony... we went because of eczma or did I know that there was more to it, the weight loss had been worrying me but she has always been a skinny minny...
Any way here we are 18 days after diagnosis and there is nothing I can do to make it go away for her. Nothing I can do to make it better for her - I love her more than anything but when she crys and screams because life is unfair and asks the question WHY ME, WHY ME all I want to do is join her !!! I want to scream and shout rant and rave I want to holler and yell as well but I have to be the brave one the strong one show her that everything is going to be okay when I don't know... I just don't know. In fact I don't know anything any more.
I used to pray to God but I don't know anymore - I don't know if my faith is strong enough for this and that make me feel sad. I don't feel I have the same security I had when I thought I had someone that was watching over me, protecting me and those I loved from pain and harm. My doubt started when we lost Claire and David, then with Nanny, that was so painful - of all people in this shitty world she should have died happy and peacefully without having to endure that vile suffer enforced on her by that disgusting disease cancer. She gave so much and loved us all before she loved herself - I still miss her , I still think Iwant to pick up the phone and speak to her but she is only in my thoughts and my heart now....Now I have doubts that I never had before and it makes me feel insecure and unsafe.

It's been a while.....

It most definitely been a while since I last wrote anything but then as no one else is following is anyone else reading.... Any way I enjoy writing it so.

I have had a fab few weeks with my gorgeous boy Bert, he is really relaxed and chilled and working beautifully at the moment. We are hacking out with no drama.
I spent 2 days last week at the ESMA conference where Jean Marie Denoix was speaking - it was fantastic, such an amazing man with such depth of knowledge. It has made me hungry to learn more, biomechanics - kinematics not sure which direction to go in. I may go the human route and look at human sports massage...

Signing off for now

Fame of a Sorts....

Well things have been going really well with Bert at the moment and a lot of it I owe to a lesson I had courtesy of Your Horse magazine where I featured in one of their clinics with trainer Hilary Hughes. It was incredibly useful, and gave me an enormous boost.
I have to say that the Your Horse writer Imogen was also incredibly supportive and encouraging and along with my sister Laura encouraged me to write this blog... why when no one is reading it I don't know but hey ho I am finding it very theraputic.
So if you want to see me in Your Horse magazine check out issue 330. There is also a follow up in the latest issue 332 where Imogen goes to see one of Mary King's Ex Eventers Solly. It was interesting to see that the lady that took him on experienced some of the same issues that I did and that it took her about the same length of time to bond with Solly. I can't tell you how much better that made me feel.....

HURRAH !!!!!!!

Well I feel on top of the bloody world. I had the best hack out on Bert today EVER !!!
It was just brilliant and so unexpected. Considering he has pretty much been off work since Xmas, I decided to go out as the sky was blue it had not rained all day. We went for one of our usual hacks as it brings us back home via a bridle path with plenty of places I can divert to if Bert bolts with me !!! Exit strategies in place !!!
We walked home, usually we jog... we had a few moments going through the stud when he tensed and started jogging but I kept talking to him, half halts, keeping soft elbows and we walked home... yes walked... I held the reins at the buckle. He stretched his head down and relaxed, I trusted him. It is HUGE I can't believe we did it after just over a year but we did it and boy it feels incredible.

Onward and upward....

Perserverance......

Having Bert has been a learning curve and at times a very steep one. I have been very fortunate to have great communication with his previous owner who has been incredibly patient with me - sometimes phoning up in tears as I have had a bad day and felt that I haven't been able to cope with Bert. Also to hand was Paul Ingram who had been my trainer with my previous horse William and who had put me in touch with Bert...(another really important issue is the opinion of someone who knows your riding. Paul has taught me for some time and was aware of my strengths and weaknesses and also knew Bert and put the two of us together...)

When I got Bert I knew that he was above my ability but that was kind of the point. Having a horse that would challenge me and puch me to improve. While I was not having real issues in the school, hacking out was causing huge problems. Bert would be fine going out but seemed to get anxious and start jogging as soon as we started towards home. After one particularly nasty bolt I really did feel like throwing in the towel - Bert at full gallop out of a bridle path onto a lane is not fun - he is fast and strong and I am no shrinking violet but I could do nothing... that is except for swear - loudly !!! may be it was the shouting that shocked him into stopping but eventually he did.
This gave me a serious dent in my confidence which with a horse like Bert is not good as he looks to me for security and I was just not providing him with enough.

On Paul's advice I started hacking out in a jointed pelham which did work and we started getting there - repeating the same hack every day to give him confidence in his surroundings worked wonders gradually extending the time out. Still schooling - still maintaining his routine - I looked at his feed, I checked his teeth, his saddle, his back - eliminating all possible factors that could be causing him anxiety or pain.

Sometimes horses can be anxious to get home as they are in pain and know that when they get home the saddle and rider comes off !!! As an Equine Sports Massage Therapist I was perhaps more aware than most of possible physical reasons for his behaviour. I even worked on myself as any rider issues can compound any problems a horse might have and both myself and Bert have stiffness on our left sides...

I started adding Protexin to his feed in case his anxiety was causing acid in his stomach which would be causing him pain. I have lost my drift I am trying to remember and get everything out that is important... So sorry should any one ever read this....

Ohhh yes pain - well we couldn't find anything wrong so it was just him being an arse !!! I kept having lessons and everything in the school was going brilliantly - it was such a contradicion and I just didn't understand why things were so different out hacking. The final straw came when I went out with my friend Janette on her new horse and Berts field mate Beau. we had a great hack out, once again as soon as Bert got a sense that we were heading for home and he started jogging and messing about but I sat still kept my leg softly secure - I was talking to him, to Janette keeping him occupied at last he seemed to settle and all was good then out of nowhere as we were almost home he just went - properly full gallop on the road around a blind bend narrowly missing an oncoming car - I banged it with my foot that is how close we were. How we missedd that car I have no idea... I had no choice but to sit ride him and try to stop him. I was also petrified for Janette in case Beau decided to follow !!! We galloped past home and it was only then that he slowed down - I think once he realised he had gone past his destination... HOME.

I cannot put into words how scared I was - Once we had stopped I turned him around and we walked home - he was like a little lamb you would never have imagined he had just been galloping down the road... ABSOLUTE MADDNESS. For crying out loud I am a forty year old mother - I am not meant to be galloping on bolting horses, completely out of control down road dodging oncoming cars !!! He had to Go... it was a complete no brainer.... On that bobshell I am going to sign off now..

Taking on a Professional Horse....

Getting the chance to own a horse that has competed professionally in any field is an opportunity not to be missed. As schoolmasters they have so much to teach us and the confidence that they can give a keen amateur is priceless.

There are things that as owners we need to ensure that we provide them with. It is all well and good to spend a lot of money getting an ex professional horse with the hope that you can go to your local shows and scoop up all the prizes. However life just isn't that simple......

One of the KEY elements that as an owner you need to consider is ROUTINE. This is true of any horse but what you need to remember is that a professional yard is an incredibly organised, regimented machine. Horses are turned out, hayed, fed, mucked out, ridden, groomed at specific times during the day. They are used to hustle and bustle - a busy yard. Taking a horse out of this environment to a DIY yard can be incredibly stressful for them and their behaviour can be affected dramatically, as the routine is not so regimented. Therefore it is imperative to find out what their routine has been and as much as possible follow it making changes gradually.

More often than not when the decision has been made to sell a horse it would have been "roughed off" from professional work but the yard routine is likely to be the same. Communication is imperative and can make all the difference as to how your new horse settles in to their new home.

Time to go and see Bert now.... he will be expecting me....